February. Wow. Just…. wow.
Winter.
There are things about February I won’t tell you now. But I want to tell them to you soon… someday… in someway. There things about February that are too private to share here, but please… one day, when we’re alone and enjoying a cup of tea, ask me about this particular February. Ask me about how a perfectly magical mundane month refracted into a spectrum of oblivion. Ask me what its like on the other side of a real leap of faith.
Until then, please enjoy some of the other most notable ways that February made itself memorable.
The arrival of Ita!
These two. And polvo.
Y’all know my mom. She’s a pistol. Back in Puerto Rico when she was a young woman, her friends used to call her Lissy Volando, which was to say that she was always on the go.. always moving and shaking. Well she landed in Portugal and got straight to work discovering our little town, practicing her Portuguese with the people she meets, helping out at Phoenix’s school and generally enjoying the burst of energy that comes with a new adventure. We live in two separate houses about 500 paces from each other on the top of this hillside town and everyday she walks the cobblestone streets to and back from town so Ive nicknamed her Lissy Caminando and have encouraged her to start her own blog. How wonderful would it be to read about this experience in her words?! I take for granted sometimes that I seem to be narrating this time in our lives for all of us… I would love to hear in writing what she really thinks of it all… this crazy life.
Ita, or Lissy here in Portugal, is in many ways the real MVP of our little team. Everything we accomplished in Sam Antonio would not have been done as well without her help and god knows that the time she spends with Phoenix not only gives him the most precious gift of a real ancestral bond, but also allows Skeets and I crucial and welcomed opportunities to be alone together. Skeets’ and my bond has always been strong, but sometimes it strained under the pressures of so much doing. Ita has been a consistent presence in our lives and we are so happy that she decided to join us here.
Reformada!
It’s strange when you finally start to feel the good that’s come out of tragedy. When you start to feel like everything is as is should be when for years everything seemed so wrong. If I could change the course of time I would bring my dad back. I realized, after years of grief therapy, that it wasn’t just my own sadness plaguing me, it was being witness to my mom’s. Her loss is profound in a way that most people will not know (Ive learned that it is unique and uncommon to suddenly lose two of your closest family members in quick succession) and watching her navigate the world has made me ache with compassion for her. In the past Ive felt guilty for being so happy… for being at the beginning of my relationship with Skeets just as hers ended with my dad. But the meditation is paying off. The yoga, the running, the sobriety, the breathing, the reading the writing, the therapy….. Ive broken down my walls of self-defense and have again made space for peace and clarity. The why’s of life are still so mysterious and in the end, life is just unfair. But also I see that we can be in control of our experience through perspective and for me, to lurk only in the darkness is to deny the existence of that which gives darkness it’s meaning… the light.
I’ve always known my mom to have a sense of openness and adventure. When she came alone to visit me in Hawaii she didn’t shy away from climbing the volcano or riding horses through the open hillsides and I have always held the memory of that time with her most dear. Here now in Portugal, I see that perhaps she is allowing the smallest bit of light to befall her and I hope that she finds a little bit of what has made us fall in love with this land and the people who have made it home.
I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not responsible for her happiness, but I hope that she can find just a little bit of joy and peace in this adventure we’ve embarked upon together. In the garden of her life, there will always be a dark place where my dad and sister lie, but maybe one day it will feel less like a tangled mess of thorned blackberries and more like a cool and shady place to rest a while while she looks out over the lushness and abundance of all the love that has made her time on earth so fertile.
For now, we’ve started mother/daughter lunch dates on Fridays and I cherish the time we spend together in this new land, walking the cobblestone streets, eating fresh seafood and hearing the stories that tie it all together. Today, on my dad’s birthday, we spent the morning in an African dance class together. Y’all, my mom shook it like a Caribbean queen!
Grandma model.
February also brought a few firsts for me. For the first time, I contacted a gallery and an art festival and sent them proposals for an exhibition and an installation. Organizing the concepts well and concisely gave me a little boost of confidence and inspiration. In turn, I received my first letter of rejection from the gallery and have not heard back from the festival after two emails. Haha Lessons in humility abound. I feel no pressure to be showed in a gallery, but I do feel like I have art to share with the world, so as the quality and quantity of my work increases I will continue to reach out to spaces who might be interested.
Lady In Red Gallery.
Maybe one day.
I also took my first proper surfing lesson. The beach was perfect and our instructor, Bruno, was high on life. We spent about 30 minutes on the sand warming up, stretching and practicing getting up on the board and spent the next hour and and half in the water. Im actually a really strong swimmer, but literally the first wave that touched me knocked me off my feet and I ended up swallowing a mouthful of the sea. When I got my bearings, I did a quick body scan to see if I was going to throw up and decided that that I was fine! It was pretty exhilarating out in the water, but at the same time, this sense of peace has just been overtaking me. I was smiling and diving under waves and trying every time to stand on my board…. There was some adrenaline, for sure, but mostly I was calm and pulsing with the rhythm of the sea. I didn’t push myself too hard and I took lots of breaks. When the lesson was finished we stood back on the land and chatted with Bruno about life near the sea. He glowed with the love of it all and after some kisses and hugs and hand shakes he smiled a huge grin and left us with one parting word: PORTUGAL. What a man. What a land.
Efforts to transition the country to renewable energy and protect against off-shore drilling have been mighty and largely successful.
Finally, I celebrated my first year of sobriety. This is a topic I should write an entire book about, but suffice it to say that much of the year was fraught with tension and anxiety and that for a whole year I dug in, dug deep, faced my demons and buried those mutherfuckas face down on the other side of yesterday. I can say without ego that I have evolved and that for the first time in my life, I am totally conscious. This has lead me to places I never expected to find… places reserved only for those committed to the here and now… and has opened worlds of insight and ecstasy that I always dreamed existed. Dramatic, I know. But it’s my truth and Im here to speak it.
Moagem. A gorgeous local haunt.
Skeets visits the barber at the gypsy market.
solar powered music, y’all. yes.
new friends.
Last I wrote, we were torn between staying here in Aljezur or joining the lovely people of Sao Luis. After some long talks, we’ve decided to stay put and give this area a real go. P’s school was perhaps the biggest factor in that decision and it’s been energizing to start to find our place in the community and really get to see what’s making these people tick. What a colorful group. My senses are on high intake with the vibrancy of languages, looks, foods and creations all around. This is a community of people creating what moves them and of people who are eager to see and share in the beauty of each other’s creations. Once again, I feel the walls of illusion coming down. We are meditating more. Doing more yoga. More and deeper breathing. Im changing my ideas about sex and spirituality, about ego and self. It’s a new era of letting go.
One day, when we’re alone, ask me about this February. Ask me about letting go.
Still Human.
For now, we’ve accepted the sea as our guru and we visit it often for knowledge and clarity. A couple of weeks ago we stood out on the dunes looking out as the sunset slid down over the waves, talking about the hows and whys of what brought us here together. And eloquently… so simply… we remembered ….… Nirvana.
Until next time, friends. May we muster the courage to let go something we love. And may it come back to us tenfold.