Boundaries, Consent, Giving VS Receiving. The Three Minute Game by Betty Martin
Emily works as a Tantric healer, but tonight, sitting between my legs, hands on the scar that runs the length of my lower belly, she is a different kind of healer- she is a student Sexological Bodyworker and Somatic Sex Educator, just like me. It never occurred to me until earlier this year that the three abdominal surgeries I had in relatively short succession in time with the deaths of my father and sister could have some link to my digestion, heart palpitations, anxiety, and back tension. As she methodically massages her way around my lower abdomen, the castor oil seeps in deeper and finally, feeling it warming my womb, I begin to cry. A visitor enters my mind’s eye; he is the doctor who cut me open to deliver my child. Cortisol comes in real-time, a parasympathetic response to trauma recollection and although I am safe here with Emily, my heart begins to race. I am back in the operating room and afraid, but attempting to maintain some agency I ask him about keeping my placenta and delayed cord clamping but in return, I am shown only an astounding lack of interest, care or compassion. This was a defining moment in my life- it was the moment I was to give birth and become a mother, and the person who facilitated my journey hastily proceeded, slice by slice, down through my womb, and performed his role without a drop of tenderness. I squeezed my eyes shut as he worked my body on the table and soon thereafter, my baby was suddenly next to me and I was able to whisper in his ear before he was taken away. I closed my eyes again, crying, and sought dark solace within as strangers in masks finish their work of me.
Later, in recovery, I saw the doctor again and asked about my baby’s positioning in my womb and after fumbling, he pretended to remember and answered vaguely. I was released from the hospital and finally made it home but aside from seeing my midwife twice after giving birth, I was never offered or made aware of any “extra” postpartum care. My dad and my sister were dead, my body and mind were ravaged and this tiny little baby was mine to keep well. It would take years to unravel and smooth the cumulative trauma now calcified in the core of me and five years later and an ocean away, I cry again in rage at the cold, cruelness of the doctor and in sadness for all the years I spent in pain. Emily continues on, attentively working the matted tissues under the superficial scarring. She works slowly and stoutheartedly and gently guides me through a meditation to help me stay present and release the tension of the emotional and physical wounds. I meet her compassionate gaze which activates a felt sense of safety- the vagus nerve responding in service to my parasympathetic nervous system- and I am able to catch my breath and let the healing powers of touch, connection and presence fire in my brain and inform every cell in my body. Finally, a calmness sets in and I am humbled by my vulnerability met by the safety of her touch. Until recently, no one, not even my partner or myself, has given my womb and scarring much loving attention after these years of painful and drawn out trauma. I allow my body to digest this experience whole and feel it circulate throughout the various biological systems, strengthening neural networks of health and healing and letting tired old pathways finally rest a little more in peace. This was the touch I had needed for years and it is part of the work that Emily and I will be offering to people who have scars with stories of all kinds.
Scenes from The Isle of Avalon
This particular treatment is called Scar Tissue Remediation and was developed by anatomy, physiology and mind/body powerhouse Ellen Heed. The depth and breadth of her knowledge and presentation of the human body is overwhelming and we are lucky to have her as a leader in our field. She, herself, is a Sexological Bodyworker and Somatic Sex Educator and has worked closely with other pioneers of this work to deepen the collective understanding of how the techniques we practice truly change the body on biochemical, physical and psychological levels to create healing and long-term health. The word “somatic” comes to us from the Greek soma, or “of the body” and has evolved to mean the living body in it’s wholeness. “In other words, soma is a living process by which our bodily sensations, movements, perceptions, emotions and thoughts form a whole of experience.” We become what happens to us, and we maintain the power to become what we chose to do thereafter. Thus, Somatic Sex Education and Sexological Bodywork, like other somatic therapies, are informed not only by the sciences of dance, movement, art, family systems theories, biology, neurology, anthropology and neuroscience, but also by Gestalt, Eastern philosophies, and spiritual and transpersonal psychotherapy.
Shambhala Quantum Healing Tools by Buddha Maitreya, the reincarnation of Christ
Sexological Bodywork and Somatic Sex Education was founded by Joseph Kramer, Ph.D., who is “the foremost teacher of erotic bodywork in the world”. In 1984, in the midst of the AIDS epidemic that was ravaging the gay and gender queer community, he founded the Body Electric School in Oakland, California, where he trained thousands of professional massage therapists, erotic bodyworkers and somatic educators. “The Body Electric is the world’s largest community network offering safe sex education today. In 1992, he started the Erospirit Research Institute, a think tank exploring the connection between spirituality and sexuality and in 1999, he founded The New School of Erotic Touch.” Finally, In 2003, Joseph founded the new profession of Sexological Bodywork™. Professional trainings are now being offered in California, Europe, Canada, Brazil and Australia.” Somatic Sexologists also owe a huge debt of gratitude not only to sex-positive radicals like Annie Sprinkle, Barbara Carrellas and all of the brave pioneers who persevered through the most trying of times but also to ancient indigenous practices of bodywork from which the modern work is informed. Ours is a lineage which holds bodies and sexuality as sacred- as worthy by birth of healing and pleasure. Sex, despite being thoroughly exploited and commodified, remains comparatively taboo and sex education has been held too exclusively under tight lock and key in the the private chambers of church and state. Somatic Sex Educators and Sexological Bodyworks offer trauma informed, inclusive and empowering co-created alternatives to the power play of sexual repression. We honor the sexuality in each of us, at every stage of our lives, and are qualified to offer everything from personalized anatomy lessons (genital mapping) and pleasure mapping, to masturbation and intimacy coaching and everything in between.
Some of the practices we employ are linked to China and the birth of Taoism over 2,000 years ago. Taoism is about the origins and laws of balance which govern the universe. In the west, this is commonly illustrated by the yin and yang or perhaps you’ve personally explored the precepts in a little more depth and understand how they can be of guidance to us on our paths. Either way, it’s of interest to know that what are considered some of the the ancient Taoist sexual practices inform the lineage of what is now Sexological Bodywork and Somatic Sex Education. Here’s an article that scratches the surface of these practices and their exploits by the west written in that special tone that Vice masters so well. Somewhat contrarily to what is described here, Sexological Bodyworks do not, as a rule, seek to limit how or how often people people enjoy their sexuality or ejaculate, but we do use breath work, presence, meditation and trance among other techniques to restore the mind/body connection and promote vitality through a deepening awareness of and connection to ones own body and core eroticism.
Have you palpated your fourchette or perineal sponge lately?
So who exactly is our clientele? Here is a list compiled by the European Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers which describes reasons people may seek our expertise:
• Difficulties in becoming aroused
• Lack of sex drive
• Orgasm training
• Erectile dysfunction
• Premature ejaculation
• Pain during intercourse
• General physical blocks or pain
• Regaining sexual function and the ability to feel pleasure
- after birth
- after surgery
• Understanding anal health and genital pleasure
• Couples interested in enhancing their sex life
• Wishing to learn how to give and accept sensuality and touch
• Self-acceptance of one’s own body and gender
• Learning to accept and love sexuality
Pretty straight forward, right?
Scenes from The Isle of Avalon II
So why me? I’ve been asked already many times why I am drawn to do this work and indeed, it’s an important question that anyone who has the privilege of working with the minds and bodies of others should answer honestly for themselves. What are my motives? The short answer is this: I want to transcend habits and narratives that no longer serve me and continue to deepen the practices that allow access to the body’s wisdom and that work in reverence with the sacred nature of life.
In the last ten years, I have experienced an evolving consciousness about how I treat my body as an extension of my soul and of the greater collective consciousness of the earth. I have come to understand that consciousness is handed down in the DNA through epigenetics and that our relationships to sex, gender dynamics, power, parenting, the body, nature, food, etc are all informed by our lineage. There is a sensuality the in ways of nature with which I have consumed, consorted and communed closely with and which inspires the everyday offerings of my unique craft. In my work to facilitate connection between people and nature I have found eroticism in the garden and in the wild, in my art and in the kitchen and as I grow to become who I am to be, I have allowed that sensuality to be more present in my relationships with others and in my work. I have come to know myself as a mirror for the depth of beauty and suffering of the world and I pursue this line of work for the opportunity to resolve these impossible opposites- to work for, celebrate and co-create the transmutation of the pains of existence into healing, transcendence and pleasure.
I am doing this because things change. Our bodies, minds and lives change… and our needs and wants change, too. Sometimes we just have to get creative with our healing to get to the next evolution of our lives. What do you think? Come find me and let me know. I’ll be experimenting in the temple- the gardens, bedrooms, kitchens and wilds of the world where love is made and shared- and putting together a practice that is a gorgeous blend of all my skills, callings and passions.
Scenes from The Isle of Avalon III
May our pain be fruitful and our pleasure abundant.
New ink to close the ritual
PS: If you want to know more, do yourself a favor and listen to these creamy voiced sisters talking about some radical sex stuff, including Sexological Bodywork and Somatic Sex Education. It’s juicy, hilarious, super informative and gives a taste of what this work can be about…including conscious kink!
Advice from The Isle of Avalon